As the leaves begin to show signs of turning their brilliant shades of amber, orange and red, I begin to see more and more trucks heading down the freeway with trailers attached. Trailers carrying campers, and 4 wheelers, and deer stands and 55 gallon drums of corn feed. It is fast approaching “Hunting Season”.
I came to Arkansas from the San Francisco Bay Area in 1986. I have noted many differences some which are nearly invisible others though, are so shockingly in one’s face as to cause what some people here refer to as “Culture Shock”. The attitude toward hunting is one of those issues in this state which I truly believe contributes to if not drives the basic financial and political climate. The University of Arkansas Razorbacks is another, but that is a different story.
Now, don’t think me a complete novice, I have done a bit of hunting. Years ago my brother-in-law took me deer hunting, and I have also been duck hunting; which for those not it the know is the number one sport in this state. I understand that Arkansas is the duck hunting capital of the world and people come from all over the United States to kill ducks and geese in the swamps and rice fields of this great third world nation….er…ah…state.
I would like to take a minute to give all you hunter types out there a “city boy’s” perspective on hunting.
Let’s start with deer hunting, since that is the first season to open here in Arkansas. So, if I understand deer hunting correctly, you want me to get up several hours before dawn, and trek out into the middle of nowhere in the dark. Then, I am supposed to take a high caliber weapon, carry it over my shoulder and climb twenty feet up into a tree. Next I need to pour deer urine all over myself so I won’t smell human. Then I have to sit up there, and be absolutely still while the temperatures is a balmy 30 degrees and pray that there is a buck out there stupid enough to pop his head out of the brush just after first light so I can put a bullet in his skull. Can’t drink coffee, the deer will smell it. Can’t talk to a buddy the deer will hear it. Can’t play video games on my blackberry, the deer will see the light from my phone; all this while hanging out with a bunch of people also out in the woods doing the same thing, half of which are drinking excessively.
Now if that is not stupid enough for you let’s look at duck hunting. Well, hey at least with duck hunting you can hang out with your buddy and talk and have a cup of coffee to stay warm. I went duck hunting once. I stood in water which had bits of ice floating around in it and was just above my groin. I’m surprised I can still father children I was so freakin cold! My buddy, Mike said I would get used to it. Okay, so, the waders had a small leak, after about 15 minutes, it wasn’t a big deal I could not even feel my left leg, guess that’s what he meant by used to it. So we put out the decoys and we are both leaned up against this huge hickory, and the wind is blowing and I’m freezing my freakin ass off, when I here ducks and of course shots to the south both approaching at a rapid rate. Next thing I hear is all this crackling in the trees, almost like it is hailing but the sky was clear. I ask Mike what it is and he tells me it’s the other hunters shot. It is WHAT?! I am being pelted by the bb’s coming from somebody else’s gun. Sure, I guess you guys who do this all the time are used to all that, but guess what….even in the GHETTO we don’t willingly go out in the street to get hit by other peoples shot!
Which brings me to Turkey Hunting. I will be honest I have not tried this particular sport; however, if I understand it correctly what we do is get into camouflage so serious as to make ourselves absolutely invisible to the turkey. No orange here like in duck hunting, we want to ‘”blend” Next we all get on opposite sides of the woods with shotguns and these really strange looking whistles that make a turkey sound. Then we “call in” turkeys and hopefully fill our pot for Christmas dinner. Now, let’s think about this logically for just a moment shall we?. You can’t see me and I can’t see you and we both sound like turkeys and we both are carrying loaded shotguns, and we are essentially shooting toward each other. Does anybody else see a problem here or is it just me?
So while the rest of Arkansas heads for the deer woods and the state for all practical purposes closes down for the next two months, I will stay in town and concentrate on making a little money. Actually that has always been the best think about hunting season for me. So many folks in this state are out in the woods getting back to nature that I have always had my busiest months in October and November.
Well boys, have at it! You fellas go hunt for Bambi, I’m gonna hunt for another house to buy. And while you are gutting your beast and carrying it out of the woods, I am going fill my gut with a good glass of wine after I carry a t-bone out of the local Kroger’s. I’m not too worried about getting pelted with shot there…Kroger’s is in the good section of town.
